If you take a 4 year old to see Lucinda Williams at the zoo, she’s going to want to see the animals first.
When you take her to see the animals, she’s going to decide that, no, she wants dinner first.
After she eats, she’s going to need to go the bathroom.
When you take her to the bathroom, she’s going to try and hug you while you’re holding her on the toilet. After she does that, she’ll ask how loud the flush is going to be, and say “ooh look at the sink,” and “toilet paper!” and “why are we in the boys room?”
When you tell her it’s because you can’t go in the women’s room, she’ll say, “Is that because boys can grow beards and girls can’t?”
When you tell her “sure,” she’ll say, “I need a hug.”
When she says this, you’ll still be holding her on the toilet and wondering when it was your little girl turned into Buddy the Elf.
Now she’ll want to see some animals. When she does, she’ll take off running toward the steps to the penguin exhibit. When she tries to run away, you’ll say “Wait for me and please don’t run down those stairs.”
When you say that, she’ll look back and say, “Why?”
“Because I’m Daddy and it’s my job to keep you from danger.”
When she’s finished with the penguins, she’ll want her picture taken amongst the penguin cutouts. When you’ve taken the picture, you’ll attempt to lift her out, and her foot will catch and she’ll say, “Ow!”
After she says, “Ow!” she’ll say, “You didn’t keep me from danger there. You made it.”
She’ll be right.
After she sees the penguins, she’ll want to see the bats. After she sees the bats, she’ll want to see the crocodile.
“I know what he’s thinking about,” she’ll say. “Dinner.”
When she says dinner, it’ll remind her that she’s hungry again.
If you take a 4 year old to see Lucinda Williams at the zoo, she will eventually want to go see Lucinda Williams. When she gets to her seat, she’ll want to stand. When she stands, she’ll want to sit. When she sits, she’ll want to lie down. When she does that, she’ll want to play the tickle game.
When she sees a vendor carrying high a stick loaded with popcorn, she’ll say, “What’s that?”
When she hears that, she’ll ask if she can have some. When she sees the same guy again later, carrying high a stick emptied of popcorn, she’ll say, “Why is he still carrying it with no popcorn.”
He’s being funny.
“Why’s he being funny?”
When Lucinda comes on, the 4 year old will have to go to the bathroom. When she goes to the bathroom, she’ll say the reason she was being so wiggly was because she had to go to the bathroom. Then she’ll try to give you a hug while you’re holding her on the toilet.
When she finally sees her mother walking toward your seats, she’ll smile. When she smiles, you’ll relax. And when you relax, you can enjoy “Lake Charles”—the only song you’ll get to hear all night, because soon she’ll say, “I want to go home.”
When she says that, you’ll leave. On the way home, she’ll say, “I had fun tonight.” And then you’ll think maybe you should take your 4 year old to see John Hiatt at the zoo.
Categories: Daddy Issues